You’re
on your way home when it hits you. All
this Prospect rules!This and Prospect rules that. For once, you decide that you’d decide and
you decide that if your gonna decide, that you should just do it, right their on they yard if, that is, yore gonna do it. And so you’re gonna
speak directly to your prospect and tell him that’s why you understand him you
are him. So this is the ad that too many
of you experience that is him standing they're. So, in
place of that next post then this is like the ad you write…
Your as tired of all
this advertising than
we are. And you know
are right.
Unfortunately, you
wake up everyday and day and when you get home from work you know yore just
going to repeat you’re day everyday and there’s no thing unique that you can do
about it there in charge, first, too. Of course ewe knew you
yoreself, you’d just do it. So you drive
right in and because its so conveniently located you drive right up and you say
to yore saleman, even in this economy, you want that red Porsche in the showroom in time to provide a
proven drive home and say you’re the man know, really. Regardless, you know that’s why the beautiful,
amazing, and shining example has stuff like surround sound their just going to
love experiencing …next, you buy something of the type of attire that every one who
attains a Porsche is designed to where.
At Doreen's class in the Creative Circus, we believe, that in today’s economy,
you just allow lazy writing and bad
editing because, after all, people, like the ones, who actually read ads, you
will know what that means. But that said
are you quite, certain, that you found all the Copy Sins, or are you,
unfortunately, totally and convincingly and without a doubt up to the task only
because you took Doreen’s class so that’s why you should provide a better
ending than this.
Therefore, I offer to all of you a challenge that, you won't want to pass by. Figure out what Product this copy is figure out what the Objective is. Then, I want all of you to post your edit of the copy in the comments section. For at least eleven of you, you have no option. It's your upcoming homework. For the rest of you... I double dog dare you to give it a shot (copy only is fine, no need to get fancy)
Whew. Maybe the shortest
blog post I’ve written but for the life of me, I just can’t seem to always keep
those Copy Sins coming.
How many’d you find? How many do you, right?
Ok, Doreen, I have some free time at work, so here we go:
ReplyDeleteHEADLINE
-ending with a period
-needs a comma between "And you know, are right."
-"are" should change to "you're"
-"than" should be "as"
-I personally just don't like "as we are"
SENTENCE ONE
-run-on
-starting sentence with "unfortunately"
-get rid of "and day"
-"yore" should be "you're"
-"no thing" should be "nothing"
-excessive use of "that"
-"there" should be "they're"
-"unique" should read "special"
SENTENCE TWO
-I think there's a style change between sentence one and two
-starting sentence with "of course"
-"ewe" should "you"
-cut first "you"
-"yoreself" should be "yourself"
SENTENCE THREE
-run-on
-too many "you's"
-cut "because it's so conveniently located"
SENTENCE FOUR
-"yore" should be "your"
-"know" should be "no"
-cut "that's, regardless, and just"
-"their" should be "they're"
SENTENCE FIVE
-replace "something of the type of attire" with "clothes"
-"where" should be "wear"
How Did I Do?
Got some goodies - but you seemed to have missed a biggie - there's a content mis-up in there, too. Hope you're doing well! D.
DeleteNot bad, but that's only some of it. Structure is also at play, as is figuring out the Mystery Client. It does sound like you've checked your copy of Kamikaze Copy Sins, though! Good job - thanks for the effort. D.
ReplyDeleteForgot to mention - good to see you haven't forgotten us!
DeleteEvery day is the same. There’s nothing you can do about it. You know yourself so do it. It’s so close you drive right in and tell your salesman you want that red Porsche in the showroom. You need it in time for a ride home. You want to say you are the man. The beautiful, amazing shining example has surround sound and other lovable features. You go out and buy some attire every Porsche drive was meant to wear.
ReplyDeleteThe product is Porsche. The objective is to make a man feel he deserves one to break up the monotony of his life.
-W.Knox
You voice...
DeleteStrong start, then it begins to fall apart last two lines. Next to last doesn't quite make sense (not that what I gave you did), need a strong close - and a headline!
DeleteThese are Chris Potts' Revisions. All of K Len's breakdowns are true. Let me know if you want me to break down each sentence. I focused on fixing the structure and message.
ReplyDeleteTired of being the Bill Murray character in Groundhog Day?
Here's how you change your life.
Buy a suit. Have it tailored. Put it on. Go to your nearest Porsche dealership. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Locate the sexiest, reddest Porsche in the showroom. Refuse test drive. Buy it.
Drive car off the lot. Smile at pretty girl waiting for the bus. Pull up next to high school kid with the speakers rattling. Turn your engine off. Rev your engine. Make sure he hears you. Rev it again.
Pick up daughter from school. Drive to another state. Buy her an ice cream. Go home. Wife will ask where you've been. Hand her the keys. Say it's your turn.
That's how you change your life.
Interesting "you voice" fix - keep the voice, axe the "you"...what do the rest of you think?
DeleteAre you as tired of your blah life as we are?
ReplyDeleteWake up in the morning. Go to the same job. Return to the same home. Fall asleep with the same wife. Repeat.
Bored yet? Take back the keys to your life. Visit your local Porsche dealership today and tell the salesman you want the red one. The showroom beauty with amazing handling, a shining body and surround sound that blows monotony away.
Drive Porsche and leave bland behind.
A few run-ons, esp. 2nd line/2nd para. That line also sounds a tad too "addy." But some other good stuff here...
DeleteZan Puig
ReplyDeleteProduct: Porsche
Creative Objective: To Promote Interest
You’re as tired of all this advertising as we are. And you know, you’re right.
You wake up every day. At the end you come home from work. You know you’re just going to repeat the day. Every day. There’s nothing you can do about it. They are in charge.
You know. You’d do it. Drive right up. Say to the salesman, even in this economy you want that red Porsche in the showroom. You want it in time to drive it home and say, I’m the man now.
You know that’s why the beautiful, amazing, and shinning model has stuff like surround sound. They are going to love it. Next, buy some clothes a Porsche owner is expected to wear.
A few interesting twists, but what about that "you" voice?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis is Chris Potts. Here's my breakdown.
ReplyDeleteSentence one
-day is repeated too often
-a form of you is repeated too often
-yore should be you're
-the comma after unfortunately slows the flow before the first line gets started
-Unfortunately refers to something else but it can't because it's the first line of the paragraph
-you're should be your
-no thing should be nothing
there should be they're
-there are 3 commas in the first line. there should be 0.
-there are too many unnecessary words
-all telling but no showing in this line
Sentence 2
-Of course is a poor way to start a line
-This is the second line in a row that refers to something else. This construction in the subject portion of the line is awkward
-ewe should be you
-there is an if missing before ewe
-yoreself should be yourself
-you is repeated too often
-why is the just do it tagline in the predicate?
Sentence 3
-run-on sentence
- all the commas are not unnecessary
-you is repeated too often
-Starting a line with so is a poor construction
-because slows the line down. It is too close to so. There are too many conjunctions in the subject --portion of the sentence
-yore should be your
-its should be it's
-too many prepositions in this line that start with the word in. There are 4 in this line. There should be 0. All three slow the readability of the line
-what is a proven drive?
-the know after you're the man and the really are unnecessary
Sentence 4
This is the fourth line that begins with a transitional word.
-beautiful is cliche
-amazing is cliche
-shining is cliche
-the commas make this line read like a shopping list
-stuff is vague
-the ... are distracting and slow readability
-going to love experiencing has two gerunds that are too close together
-Next slows the line down
-type of attire sounds archaic. Replace with a more concrete visual of a type clothing
-attains is too high brow. This word needs to be inferred not said
-every one should be everyone
-people aren't designed the things that people make are designed
- there are two prepositions in this line. There should be 0
-Break the line into two sentences and get rid of the commas
Hmmm - a confusion, perhaps? Where's the rewrite? Somewhere in the 31 pages my printer's about to die over?
DeleteProduct: Kamikaze Copy Sins
ReplyDeleteObjective: Promote the use of copy sins' checklist for writing students at the Creative Circus.
You’re more tired of all this advertising than we are.
Everyday you wake up. Day in and day out, the same routine. There is nothing exciting about it until now. No sweat you know yourself. A short drive and quick handshake with the salesman. Fast and efficient the paper is work complete. A red Porsche in the showroom, now yours. Right on time to drive home. Who’s the man now? The Porsche takes off. Exhilarating surround sound fills the air. The sweet smell of freedom. What’s next? New attire.
Dream on. Lazy writing plus bad editing won’t get you a Porsche. Check thoroughly for copy sins. Proof reading several times creates writing professionals. Equally it will keep you out of hot water with Doreen.
Tinisha nailed the objective.
DeleteCraig certainly has something there...some nice risks w/commas/lack thereof (or were they typos? If so, don't tell me!) Last para makes me laugh. But the way lst para ends is a bit abrupt, that word "attire" and your tone?
DeleteHere's the correction
ReplyDelete(You’re) as tired of all this advertising (as) we are.
(Don’t need the second part)
Unfortunately (Big word, negative beginning), you wake up every day and* when you get home from work (You just woke up!) you know you’re just going to repeat (your) day every day and* (2 “and”s and “everyday”s too close and without comas) there’s nothing (weird adjective. Doesn’t fit the sentence) you can do about it (Run-on sentence). Of course (Really sure about it?) we knew (Sudden past tense) you’d do it. So you drive right* in and because it’s so conveniently(There must be a better word for this) located you drive right*(Repeating words) up and you say to (the) sale(s)man, (Bad punctuation) even in this economy, you want that red Porsche in the showroom *in time to provide a proven drive home* (don’t know what it was meant to say) and (Already saying) you’re the man now (Don’t need the last part). You know that beautiful, amazing, and shining example has stuff like (Is it like surround or is it surround?) surround sound their (Who are they?) going to love experiencing …Next, you buy something of the type of (“Type of” or “an” attire?) attire (Weird word. Changing tone) everyone who attains (Same as “attire”) a Porsche is designed to (wear).
Bad / no paragraph break. It’s too big.
The first part about routine isn’t related to anything else.
“You” voice must be avoided.
Headline isn’t related to bodycopy.
Product guessing: A suit or tuxedo? An attire?
Here is how I rewrote it (considering it was a Porsche ad):
Wake up every day. Go to work. Go back home. All 24hours are the same. The economy holds the status quo. But a new car could change this boring repetition.
It’s easy to find her. A Porsche. Red. Beautiful. The one in the showroom. She even has the surround sound everybody adores.
Tomorrow the routine will restart, yet nothing will ever be the same.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteGood job, Z, but what about a headline? One fix - the "But" starting last line/lst para.
DeleteWelllp:
ReplyDeleteYou’re as sick of the advertising as we are.
A man wakes up knowing nothing will be different today, try as he might to change it. But he does try.
He drives to the Porsche dealership in a tired brown jalopy and catches the keys to a convertible thrown to him by an admiring salesman. In an engine-revved blaze of exhaust he’s down the seaside highway with music flooding from his speakers. His life of mediocrity and disappointment is drowned-out by the rush of wind through his retreating hairline. Until the tire pops and they tell you all about how you too can beat erectile dysfunction.
Pills for a big jock don’t cause happiness. Leading a full life does. With a healthy diet and regular exercise, you’ll never experience a midlife crisis – much less ED.
Gold’s Gym
Scott - a few things to think about - all the "he's" in lst para, then who is "they" to tell you about ED? The Gold's Gym/lifestyle push in the 2nd para comes as a complete surprise. The ED seems gratuitous. But love that dog...
ReplyDeleteGuess I over-thought the riddle.
ReplyDeleteYou’re as tired of all this advertising as we are. You know you are right.
ReplyDeleteYou wake up every day, and when you get home from work, you know you’re just going to repeat the day tomorrow. There’s nothing unique you can do about it; they’re in charge, first. You know if it were you, you’d just do it. So you drive up to the salesman and say, “I want that red Porsche in the showroom.” You want it in time to drive home and say, “I’m the man now.” The beautiful car has features like surround sound they’re just going to love. Next, you buy the wardrobe of a typical Porsche driver.
In Doreen’s class at the Creative Circus, we believe you just allow lazy writing and bad editing because the people who actually read ads will understand. But are you certain you found all the Copy Sins, or are you only up to the task because you took Doreen’s class and should know better?
So, I’m offering you a challenge you won’t want to overlook. Figure out the product, and figure out the objective. Then, I want all of you to post your edits of the copy in the comments section. Eleven of you have no option. The rest of you can give it a shot if you dare. (Copy only is fine. You don’t have to get fancy.)
That may be the shortest blog post I’ve written, but I just can’t stop writing those copy sins. How many did you find? How many did you write?
The client is Porsche, and the objective is to create interest.
Every day is the same. Wake up, go to work, go back home. Not much can be done to change that. Unless there’s a Porsche involved. A shining thing of beauty with everything necessary to show the world who’s in charge. The ride back home will definitely not be an everyday one. The next step is to buy an outfit that matches the interior.
ReplyDeleteThis is an ad for Zen meditation. It goes like this:
ReplyDeleteDay after day, my life runs along the same rut. I'm damned if this is all there is. I'm fighting to breathe.
Yesterday, I went into the local Porsche dealership. I bought the biggest, reddest, sexiest car in the lot. It was a dream to drive. Nothing like it. Heaven on wheels.
Today, I realised that I had just deepened the rut: debts I could never hope to pay off. I can't even put gas in the tank. The weight of it!
So now I'm walking, studying the changing sky. Paying more and more attention to what is happening now. It's miraculous! I'm suddenly free. Try it. The simple truth is, there's a universe of possibility within. Change! I dare you!
Lucy:
ReplyDeletePretty good stuff from a real mess of don'ts for students! For advertising, though, I'd put a bit of the client in, from a positive point of view. Thanks for playing - may have to do this again, give everyone an even bigger thrill!
Gawd, that had to be painful to write. It was certainly painful to read.
ReplyDelete-Jim